There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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