Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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