Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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