That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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