Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
