yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
