You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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