I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
