First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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