Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
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