he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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