Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
