I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
