***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
