I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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