stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
