Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
