Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
