I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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