And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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