Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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