I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
