While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
