Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
