My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I still have a little drunk in my system
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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