Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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