I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
