he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
