Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
