The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize