dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
