the condom got lost in my hair
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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