So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
