All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
