I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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