You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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