My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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