textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
