I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
