Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
