if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
