I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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