It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
