I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
