You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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