We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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