you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
