did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
