apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You made out with two different species that night
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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