I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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