Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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