I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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