woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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