So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize