just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
