You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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