He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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