Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
