my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The convent might be a nice break from real life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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